Adventures in Skyrimland

I love gaming. It’s fair to say that if I didn’t have life commitments like raising children and keeping the cats fat and happy, I would have a mouse or controller in my hands for most of my life. I’m not particular about what kind of game I’ll play but I’m not good at cooperative shoot ’em ups. It has been kindly requested over the years by several people that perhaps my special skill of always getting in the way and screaming ‘Oh my god, we’re all going to die’ might be better suited to a different genre. I had a look around and decided that perhaps Skyrim would be to my liking. It is promoted as a game where you can do anything that you like. You don’t have to be some kind of big shot fancy pants gaming expert to play this game. Anyone can play. Well, I’m anyone so I decided to give it a go. Here is the brief summary of my first few hours of play, Amy style. *Attention grammar trolls! This part is written conversationally as someone talking to you so there isn’t always going to be whole perfect phrases. I will dangle participles before your very eyes as it’s SOMEONE TALKING. Go get a brown paper bag, hyperventilate into it and then rub your dictionary with special dictionary polish until you feel well again.*

So you wake up on a sort of wagon thing, all tied up prisoner style with other prisoners. Everyone is talking about this and that and then we all gather around and some rebel or other gets his head loped off. Oh dear. That’s not a very good start is it? Dear me, have I done something wrong already? Ah no. I haven’t as I am spared because a gigantic dragon is setting the place on fire! Hooray! I’m running randomly around but anytime that I touch anything the game helpfully reminds me that my ‘hands are bound’. Sooooooo run into an open fire and burn them off? No, no not that. Run around randomly? Stumble around while everyone is on fire and screaming oh so helpfully? Is anyone screaming directions? No, it would appear not.  Hemmm….oh wait. There’s a little arrow at the top of the screen like a little compass of some sort. I guess I should have read the  instructions first. Nah! Reading the instructions goes against every fibre of my being unless it’s flat pack furniture or Lego. Oh lookie! I’ve found someone with that same little arrow over their head. They talk to me and seem to be interested in me following them to safety! Hooray for me! I figured out the first ten minutes of game play without having to go to youtube and looking up gameplay videos. Nice.

Nothing major happens and then you are let loose on your own. My stars, it’s a big place Skyrim. There are mountains pretty much everywhere so maybe best to find a road? Or wander? Oh a little wander slightly off the road? Good enough. Up ahead of me a bit on the road is a farmer with a cow. The cow has some sort of festive paint on it. Hooray! We’ve found someone to follow and that’s good isn’t it? Surely they will lead us to a barn or a town. I talk to the farmer who says he has everything in order as he’s off to give his cow to the giants as a sacrifice. He keeps walking while turning to me every few seconds to say “Regardless of what happens, after this I’m going to the pub.” I don’t know anyone here and I like beer so guess what farmer? You’re my new best friend. We walk for a bit until we come into a camp with woolly mammoths and giants. Wow. Freakin’ woolly mammoths man! This is going to be good! The famer walks up one of the two giants and has a bit of conversation that I can’t hear. The giant listens and then cracks the farmer’s head in with his big giant head cracking club. Ah dammit. The cow runs over to me and starts eating grass. The giants turn their giant heads in my direction and look at me with interest. I stand in exactly the same place, not breathing, not moving and trying not to crap myself. At this point in the game I have what amounts to paper armour and a wooden spoon. If they decide to get me, I’m going to be a little stain on the ground next to a grass chewing painted cow. The giants turn their gaze towards the horizon and it would appear I’m off the hook. I remember to SAVE GAME which is just about the most important thing to do as you never ever NEVER know who is going to wander up to you in this game.

Is the farmer still there? Maybe he’s okay and just knocked out a little bit, right? He did say that he/we were going to a pub so surely he wouldn’t lie to me…..right? I sneak over and find the farmer dead as dead can be. I sigh and look around for some obvious form of help. Nothing.  I look at the cow. I look at the mammoths. I make sure the giants are still looking at me from a distance. I look down at the farmer. Ooo there’s a little ‘Search farmer’ icon. Is that maybe…wrong? Looting a dead person? I look around. I look at the mountain. I look at the cow. I loot the dead farmer. He has two gold coins and some pocket lint so even in Skyrim death he was about as helpful to me as in Skyrim life. Frickin’ idiot. Sooooo the pub will be around here somewhere right? I will avenge your death good not at all helpful farmer by drinking every mead and ale the very second I lay my hands on it, especially since I don’t have any food. Later in the game I will find cheese and potions to cure my ills but not yet. Some say that there’s a kind but not terribly bright drunken adventurer out there in Skyrim who spends her days looting dead farmers, getting drunk and following cows. I just wanted to let you know that those rumours are absolutely true.